I Want To Be So Close To You, I want To Die
Working with grief and loss with an anxious attachment style. Re-establishing the self after severing a trauma bond and finding intimacy once again with oneself.
The art work. Model: Widianne X, a local Malmö Artist.
Grief and loss
Working with grief and loss with an anxious attachment style. Re-establishing the self after severing a trauma bond and finding intimacy once again with oneself. How does this unwhole body heal? How does this body learn to build boundaries and trust itself?
I Want To Be So Close To You, I want To Die is a meditative performance in the form of written communication with oneself. Bring your wine, journal and your trauma for this one.
Changing the subconscious
Emotional neglect in childhood can manifest in different ways in the subconscious of adults. This particular performance is about developing an anxious attachment style that makes you very insecure in love. I have the core belief that I’m unlovable and unimportant and that’s why people leave me. The whole last year, I was working with a therapist to understand this sadness and emptiness that overshadows my entire life. As much as this sadness brought its own chemical pleasure, the need for healing was bigger and I started my journey.
Tools to enhance pleasure
The performance follows my recent and conscious loss of a trauma bond while observing the voices in my head and the overwhelming feeling in my body. Feelings that eat me up alive and leave me wishing I was dead instead.
The wine, Mashrou’ Leila songs that I listen to after every orgasm I give myself are just a few tools to enhance the pleasure of sadness, the pleasure of being unloved. Widianne X plays me, I play the subconscious.